RAW IS ORO!
by Jedi Brother Horace
Summary: Watch as various RK characters lay the smackdown on each other in this, the latest episode of RAW IS ORO!


ESPN AND MEIJI SPORTS WISHES TO ADVISE THOSE WATCHING THIS PROGRAM THAT THE ATHLETES FEATURED HERE ARE TRAINED PROFESSIONALS AND AS SUCH THEIR ACTIONS SHOULD NOT BE IMITATED AT HOME.

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RAW

IS 

ORO

A Rurouni Kenshin 

Parody/Crossover

Brought to you by 

Jedi Brother Horace

In cooperation with the

RUROUNI WRESTLING FEDERATION

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(A loud ovation roars through the arena as the program goes underway. Many people in the arena are cheering loudly and holding a up a variety of signs. We then cut to the announcers table where our commentators, Dr. Gensai and Megumi with Ayame and Suzume standing beside them.)

Dr. Gensai: THE CROWD IS LIVELY HERE IN TOKYO DOME, AS WE GET UNDERWAY IN THIS VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF RAW IS ORO! GOOD EVENING MINNA-SAN! GOOD OL DR. GENSAI HERE ALONG WITH MEGUMI "THE QUEEN" TAKANI ON RINGSIDE! AND CERTAINLY WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, RIGHT? QUEEN?

Megumi: OHOHOHOHOHO! YES THAT'S RIGHT! LAST NIGHT, STONE COLD SESSHA LOST THE TITLE IN CONTROVERSIAL FASHION! BUT TONIGHT MAYBE WE'LL SE—

(As if on cue, the sound breaking glass blares through the speakers, and the crowd roars loudly as the Kyoto Battousai steps out from backstage.) 

Megumi: SPEAKING OF WHICH! HERE COMES THE KYOTO BATTOUSAI HIMSELF! OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!

Ayame & Suzume: (Jumping up and down in excitement) WAI! WAI! ORO 3:16!

(Kenshin walks with a trademark bad ass stride coupled with a fierce scowl that is made even more frightening by the amber gleam in his eyes. Wearing a black shirt with the white letters "ORO 3:16" pasted on front, he climbs onto the ring and goes over to the ringpost, where he proceeds to give the crowd a bird salute.)

Megumi: From the look on his face, it looks like there'll be hell to pay for someone tonight! Ohohohoho!!!!

Suzume: (still jumping up and down) WAI! WAI!

(After going the ring and giving the bird salute to each portion of the crowd, Stone Cold Sessha grabs a mike and proceeds to exercise his first amendment rights)

Kenshin: (seething) Last night, sessha went into the ring the RWF champion de gozaru. (pauses as the crowd cheers) But last night, sessha left the ring not the RWF champion de gozaru. (pauses as the crowd boos at that fact)

Dr. Gensai: Wow. The crowd agrees with that.

Kenshin: (continuing) While that is a definite reason for sessha to be pissed off de gozaru. (pauses as the crowd cheers once more) Sessha will give a lot of credit to Saitoh Hajime. He came in there, and gave as much as he took de gozaru. 

Dr. Gensai: Whoa. He's showing respect for the current champion!

Kenshin: But the bottom line is, sessha stomped a mudhole in his ass, and showed him the true meaning of ORO 3:16!!…de gozaru. (the crowd roars once more in approval) 

Megumi: Then again…

Kenshin: And as much as sessha would like to give him another can of grade A Whoop @$$ tonight! Sessha has other concerns, like that no good S.O.B. who calls himself the Chicken's Champ de gozaru! (another cheer from the crowd)

Dr. Gensai: Uh-oh. He's talking about the Cock! 

Kenshin: Cock. Sessha don't give a damn if you and MiBuK have some sort of lover's quarrel! You came in the ring last night, and got in sessha's face! And in sessha's book, that gives sessha the right to stomp your feathery ass tonight! AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!!!!! CAUSE SESSHA SAID SO!!!…de gozaru. (another loud cheer from the crowd)

Dr. Gensai: My goodness! An open challenge to the Cock!

Megumi: Business is picking up here tonight! Ne? Ohohohohohoho!

Speakers: IF YOU SMELL!!!! HOW THE COCK!!!! IS COOKING!!!!!!

Megumi: AND HERE COMES THE MOST FEATHERY MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!

Ayame and Suzume: Wai! Wai! Wai!

(The crowd roars once again to life as Sanosuke a.k.a. the Chicken's Champ stalks to the ring glaring at the Kyoto Battousai. Kenshin glares back, watching as Sano climbs the ring post and proceeds to work up the crowd. Wearing his trademark white gi and sunglasses, the Cock gives them the Chicken's eyebrow, much to their delight. He does this for a few moments, before grabbing a mike and coming face to face with Kenshin)

Sano: (pauses for a while as the crowd begins to chant "Cocky! Cocky!") Fiiiiiiiinnnnnnaaaallllyyy... The Cock...HAS FLOWN BACK!!!!! To Tokyo Dome... (he then points at Kenshin) Stone Cold...you come out here and mouth off how you lost the title last night...and that you gave that chicken ass Saitoh, the ass whoopin of his life.

Dr. Gensai: Whoa...There's no love lost between The Cock and MiBuK.

(Kenshin tries to speak but the Cock makes a hand gesture that tells him to shut his mouth while he speaks)

Sano: And now... you want to go one...on one...WITH THE FOWL ONE?!!! (the crowd cheers as he looks in their direction) Well the Cock says this...he'll take you...AND ANY OTHER YAROU IN THE BACK!!! AND TO THE DELIGHT OF THE MILLIONS...

Crowd: AND MILLIONS!!!!!

Sano: OF THE COCK'S FANS!!! HE WILL LAYETH THE SMACKDOWN ON EACH... AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR CHICKEN ASSES!!!!!

(The crowd roars in approval and anticipation of the upcoming fight)

Megumi: My goodness! Looks like the chicken is going to get fried now! Ohohohohoho!

Ayame and Suzume: Wai! Wai! Wai!

Dr. Gensai: Indeed. It may be what will come down between these two superstars. But let's hear what Stone Cold has to say.

(Kenshin then holds up the mike to speak.)

Kenshin: (smirking) Oro, son. You got a lot of guts for coming out here and telling sessha what you just said de gozaru. (his eyes then gleam dangerously) But as much as sessha respects you... the bottom line is this. If you want a piece of sessha's ass...then sessha is more than happy to oblige!!!...de gozaru.

(The two look ready to lay the smackdown on each other, when the speakers blare to life again. The two stop to see on the titantron screen the huge letters "MiBu K" along with a counter. When the counter reaches zero, the lights go out for a moment and then there is huge ovation as fireworks explode.)

Dr. Gensai: My goodness! It's the current RWF champion!

Ayame and Suzume: WAI! MiBuK! MiBuK!

(When the lights come back on, standing on the ramp with his back to the ring and his arms raised, is the Ayatollah of Gatotsuzolla himself, Saitoh Hajime. He holds the pose for a few moments before turning around to face the two men in the ring, each of whom is staring him down. Wrapped around his waist is the RWF heavyweight belt, and in his hand is a microphone.)

Saitoh: WELCOME TO...RAW…IS…HAJIME!!!!

(This gets cheers from the crowd, but Stone Cold and the Cock ignore the noise and keep their eyes locked on MiBuK, who slowly makes his way to the ring.)

Saitoh: (to Kenshin) Stone Cold… (to Sano) Ahou… (this gets a rise from Sano) Now… I'm sure after last night, you two have some things you need to work out. But for the love of god…would you both just…SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

Dr. Gensai: Whoa!! That's not a smart thing to say to those two!

Megumi: Quite right! Ohohohohohohoho!

Saitoh: (enters the ring) Stone Cold, I'll give you some credit. Last night, you gave MiBuK as you say, a can of grade A quality whoop @$$. But…too bad for you, you used a diet!!! Just one calorie, not whoop @$$ enough!

(He then turns to Sano)

Saitoh: (points a finger) As for you, bird brain. Maybe you haven't been getting enough of that chicken feed in you so let's get this straight. MiBuK has had enough of you and your eyebrow raising, bird squawking, and…I can't go on, I'm starting to see chickens in my sleep! But just tell me Cock, are you chicken? 

(Sano gets even more ticked and looks ready to explode.)

Saitoh: So you two go on ahead, and layeth the smackdown on each other. Because after that, anyone one of you are more than welcome to take on MiBuK for the gold. (holds up the belt) One on One, Two on One, Triple Threat…Hell! You two can Sixty Nine for all I care!!

(Another loud pop from the crowd, glares of death from the two) 

Dr. Gensai: (shocked) SIXTY NINE?!!

Megumi: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!!

Saitoh: Because when you get into the ring with the Ayatollah of Gatotsuzolla, you will NEVER…EVER…BE THE SAME!!!

(At that, the crowd roars once more. MiBuK just smirks at the two men look ready to give him the beating of his life.)

Megumi: Uh-oh. Looks like MiBuK bit off more than he can chew. Ohohohohoho!

Dr. Gensai: That may be so-

(Just then speakers blare to life again, as the sound of a crashing car and the Mankind theme echoes throughout the arena. The three in the ring look up the ramp in surprise, as Soujiro walks out, still wearing his blue gi, but sporting a Mankind facemask. The crowd at this point goes nuts once more.)

Dr. Gensai: It's Soujiro! But what's he doing here?!

Megumi: Who cares! So long as he doesn't get that little friend of his out!

Ayame & Suzume: WAI! WAI! MR. SHISHIO! MR. SHISHIO!

(As the crowd noise dies down, Soujiro stands on the ramp, staring down the three men who look ready to kill each other at the drop of a hat. He then begins to speak.)

Soujiro: Ara, before I begin, let me say how much of a pleasure it is to be here, in Tokyo Dome!

(A huge pop from the crowd is heard.)

Soujiro: (grins that silly grin of his as he continues.) Ara, now, as much as I'd like to see you three beat the crap out of each other. Let me remind all of you, that we still have a bit of unfinished business. And I'm referring of course, to what you three did to me and Mr. Shishio last month.

Dr. Gensai: Oho! He's talking about what happened at Rurounimania!

Soujiro: So minna-san, if any of you three have the testicular fortitude, let's settle this tonight. Onegai?

(Another huge roar from the crowd, as the three men look up the ramp towards Soujiro, who still smiles despite the glares directed his way. Finally after a moments silence, the Cock speaks up.)

Sano: (holding up a mike) So let the Cock get this straight…You want to come in this ring, and let the Cock whoop your chicken ass like he will these two other jabronis. Is that what you're saying?

Soujiro: Ara? That's not what I said-

Sano: (loudly) IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!!!!!!

(The crowd goes crazy at this, but Soujiro remains unfazed by the Cock's rude interruption. But before he can speak, the Cock goes off once more.)

Sano: So shut your beak , jabroni. And just….WING IT!

Dr. Gensai: Whoa, looks like more fuel added to the fire! Right, Queen?

Megumi: And the way the Cock is going, it looks like he'll be roast before the night is over! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

(Soujiro meanwhile, continues to smile that sweet smile of his. And after the crowd noise dies down, he speaks once more.)

Soujiro: Ara, Cock-san. If you think I'm going in there by myself, you're dead wrong. In fact, I have someone who'll join me in kicking all your asses. (points at Kenshin) And he's especially interested in kicking your ass Stone Cold-san.

(Stone Cold looks puzzled, as do the Cock and MiBuK.)

Dr. Gensai: Soujiro has a friend?

Megumi: (shrugs)…

(Suddenly the speakers go off again.)

Speakers: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?!!!!

(The crowd, despite their surprise, responds enthusiastically.)

Crowd: NEE-SAN!!!!!!!!!!

(All three men in the ring looked surprised, as Enishi steps out from the back. In his hands is a mannequin head resembling Tomoe. Soujiro meanwhile, continues to smile as Enishi proceeds to work the crowd.)

Speakers: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?!!!!

Crowd: NEE-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Gensai: Oh my god! It's that crazed psycho with a head for a sister!

Megumi: With a friend like that, who needs enemies? OHOHOHOHOHO!!!

(Enishi then stops, and walks up to Soujiro who hands him the mike.)

Enishi: (to the crowd) First off, my nee-san would like to thank all of you for the enthusiastic response. 

(Holds up Tomoe, er, the head up in response to the crowds reaction.)

Enishi: (smiles evilly) Because frankly, if you didn't respond at all, she'd have me kill all of you for being so disrespectful.

(The crowds grows deftly quiet at that.)

Enishi: But on to more personal matters. (looks at Kenshin in the ring) Stone Cold, in case you've forgotten, I still haven't paid you back for what you did to nee-san. So after some heart to heart between us siblings, we've come to an agreement of what we should to you. And what was that nee-san?

(Holds the head up to his ear, as if it were whispering something to him.)

Enishi: (smiles insanely as he looks at Kenshin) THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE "JINCHUU"!!!!!

(Kenshin looks on in disgust, as Enishi proceeds to laugh insanely.)

Dr. Gensai: Uh-oh. Things aren't looking good for the Kyoto Battousai.

Megumi: Like he cares? OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!

Dr. Gensai: Quite right. But let's here what he has to say about this.

(After a few moments of pacing the ring. Kenshin finally speaks.)

Kenshin: Well, seeing as that sessha has still many more stuff to take care of before becoming champion again. Let's put it to a vote. (shouts to the crowd) ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO SEE THAT WHITE HAIRED SONOVABITCH AND THE REST OF THESE JACKASSES GET THE ASS WHOOPING OF THEIR LIFE BY SESSHA, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH DE GOZARU!!!!!!

Crowd: HELL YEAH DE GOZARU!!!!!!!!!

(At that, Armageddon erupts. The Cock and MiBuK, taking offense at being referred to as "jackasses", proceed to gang up Stone Cold, who fights back gamely, even as Soujiro and Enishi rush to the ring.)

Dr. Gensai: WHOA!!! IT'S PANDEMONIUM HERE TONIGHT!!!!!!

Megumi: THAT'S SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!

Ayame and Suzume: WAI! WAI! WAI!

(Soujiro then grabs Sano and proceeds to give him some speedy fists, after which he throws the Fowl One out the ring. Enishi meanwhile, tries to clobber Stone Cold with Tomoe er, the head as Saitoh holds the battered Battousai in his arms. But at the last moment, Kenshin ducks and Saitoh ends up receiving a face full of Tomoe er, head and is knocked out.)

Dr. Gensai: Stone Cold ducked!!!

Megumi: Looks like MiBuK won't be howling much tonight. OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!!!

(Enishi looks in disbelief at what he's done. But before he has time to comprehend, Stone Cold turns him around and gives him the Stone Cold Oro!)

Dr. Gensai: And Oro to Enishi! And he's out cold!

Megumi: Guess his Jinchuu will have to take a rain check! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!

(Soujiro, seeing this, tries to sneak up on Stone Cold while the latter's back is turned. But before he can, Sano grabs one of his legs and pulls him out the ring. The surprised Soujiro has no chance to fight back as Sano throws him to the steel steps! Sano then gets back into the ring and finds Stone Cold currently jawing at the unconscious forms of Enishi and Saitoh.)

Dr. Gensai: Uh-oh!!! I don't like the looks of this!!!

Megumi: NO!!!!!!!!! TURN AROUND KEN-SAN!!!!!!!

(But it's too late, as he turns around, Kenshin walks right into the Cock Bottom! Lights out for Kenshin as he lays in the ring motionless. Sano then walks over to his victim's head, and the crowd noise becomes deafening as anticipation builds for the Cock's next move.)

Dr. Gensai: OH NO! HE WOULDN'T!!!!!!

Megumi: NO!!!!!!! NOT THE MOST FEATHERY MOVE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!!

(But Megumi's cries fall on deaf ears, as Sano slowly removes his shirt and throws it to the crowd, much to their enjoyment. And after a few gestures with his hands he runs to the ropes and bounces off them, he then runs to the other side of the ring, jumping over the prone form of Kenshin. After bouncing off once more off the ropes, he then stops over the fallen body of Stone Cold, and gives the Chicken's Elbow!)

Megumi: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Gensai: Oh no. Too bad for Stone Cold.

Ayame and Suzume: WAI! WAI! WAI!

(Sano then gets up and proceeds to mouth off the unconscious Kenshin. Little does he know however, Soujiro has crawled back into the ring, and has pulled out his special friend, Mr. Shishio, who happens to be an old sock with the mummy's face drawn on.)

Dr. Gensai: Oh no. Here comes that smelly old sock!!

Megumi: YES!!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

(Soujiro has just slipped on Mr. Shishio around his hand. At that moment Sano turns, and finds himself the unfortunate victim of the Shikuchi Claw! Soujiro proceeds to shove the sock down Sano's throat, despite the latter's attempt to fight it off. But eventually, the Fowl One slowly succumbs, and before long joins the other prone figures within the ring.)

Megumi: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!! There's a chicken that's been plucked if I ever saw one! OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!

(Soujiro then stands in the ring. The sole survivor of this massive brawl for all.)

Dr. Gensai: What will happen after all this?!! Stay tuned!

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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